In this beautiful world there are two ugly truths
by which we all physically must abide:
We all poop, and we all die.
I will chronicle the former to enrich your time leading up to the latter

Let me break it down…

Exciting new hot spot around the corner that just popped up last week is all the rave.

Their signature dish? Some ungodly combination of espresso, meatball and sushi sandwiched in a ramen-bagel bun.

You go because everyone on Yelp! freaks out over how good it is. Anthony Bourdain stops in. Bobby flay challenges them to a cook-off. Paula Deen crawls out of her racism-induced exile from the public eye to smother it in butter, and the “Man v. Food” guy eats 40 of them in under an hour.

… But guess what they didn’t tell you? They didn’t tell you about the gut wrenching, date-ruining aftermath of this culinary abomination.

We’ve all been there.

It’s my sworn duty to the peoples of this earth to protect innocents from colonic catastrophes.

Maybe I’m not the hero you deserve… but I’m the hero you need.

Ratings: A score out of 5 for the following criteria…

Stomach Comfort: How does it feel when first eaten / during digestion?

Audible digestion: How loud is the digestion? Can people hear it? (arguably a part of the preceding category, but this is important because it could be a date killer… trust me.)

Expulsion Velocity: Can you hold it for a bit if you have to? Is it comfy?

Consistency: Cinder-block? Soft-serve? Yoohoo?

Clean-up: Can you get away with a conservative use of TP? Could have used a bidet? Do you need to shower in holy water, burning and salting the hellscape upon which you excreted? (Largely dependent on the “Consistency” category, but because this could make or break your day it seemed too important to lump together – no pun intended)


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